A Christmas Letter to Henry

Originally published December 2012, my thoughts then aren’t much different from today’s.

Darling Henry,

I always wanted you. Even as a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mommy. When I was pregnant with you, the devil attacked this deepest desire, where he knew it would hurt most. I battled daily the fear of one thing. Some parents fear disorders, disabilities, or illnesses, but not me. I was afraid I wouldn’t love you.

I have a lot of faults, my love, but that is not one of them. I hope you know this. I hope the ridiculousness of my fear makes you laugh.

Right now you are 3-and-a-half. Your marvelous brain presents us with joy and wonder, yet we are also challenged to understand you. But, Henry, I want you to know we are doing everything within our knowledge and power to change that. We read, we listen to your therapists, and most importantly, we observe you. You are our most important teacher.

Sweet Henry, I’m afraid I fail you more often that not, though it pains me to say this and I pray you will not notice my failures. I pray you will always feel the depth of my love and know it has driven every decision I’ve made as your mom. You are my greatest gift.

Though I will certainly continue to fall short at times, I want you to know I’ll always be here for you. These last few months, a song about another special little boy has been my love-song to you. To end this letter, I’m going to borrow his daddy’s words.

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I’ll start

Even if it’s not enough, Henry, I’m giving you all I have. You’ve given me more than you’ll ever know.

All my love,

New here? Glad you made it! I write about my unique joys and challenges as Mom to Henry, a smart, tender, quick­-witted, train-loving, autistic 10-­year­-old with an infectious smile. I long to encourage autism parents and empower all to see inclusivity doesn’t have to be difficult - it can be beautiful. Like what you see? Sign up here to receive news and occasional freebies just for insiders.

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